(a 7 minute read)  Harley was astonished when Adrian excitedly said, “You will never guess what happened to me when I was about to open a porn site!” Adrian said it as if someone was saying “I won tickets to the Super bowl!”  Harley could not help but smile audibly, if you know what I mean, and said, “What did happen Adrian…… as you…..were about……… to open……… a….….. porn……… site?”

Adrian periodically confided in Harley about something many shy to talk about, pornography. This was not the first time Harley would patiently listen to Adrian sharing the struggles associated with the knowledge of “this is something I need to stop,” and the “here I am failing again.” This is a common feeling for us all, as at one point or another, we promise ourselves to stop ‘this or that’ and we cataclysmically fail.

Adrian continued to explain to Harley, that as the fingers are slowly typing the address of a porn site, there is always this struggle of, “I should not do it.” “Just walk away.” “It is my mind controlling this….. Walk Away.” Even faith rationale; “I know that you God are with me at this moment. I should honor You.” Even this did not bring any fruition.

Harley urged Adrian, “Stop beating around the bush. You have told me all these before. Obviously something new and exciting is in there, so out with it now, Adrian!”

Adrian took a deep breath, let a moment go by and began; “I have been online doing work. Walked out and made sure I am completely alone. Then I start typing the address of a porn website. As I am typing, I am going through all the reasons that my fingers should stop, yet them fingers continue typing. Epic fail again, right? Wouldn’t you know it, I press enter and the system is clocking for 20 seconds or so then a page pops up ‘Error Cannot Find Page.’ I was like no way no how. I know these addresses too well. And even with a typo, some page pops up and not an ‘error’ page.”

Adrian apparently had stopped too long because Harley eagerly jumped in, “Then what? Get to the point!”

Adrian sighed heavily, “Patience my dear.” What happened was so touching that Adrian was reliving that experience. “I looked at my signal bars and there was a red ‘X’ on them. I thought my wireless had gone out, only to realize that I am not on wireless, rather I am connected to the internet via a cable …….”

Harley’s excitement now was like 10 folds, “so you realized that you are not meant to get on, and that was your cue to shut it off?”

“I wish my dear Harley, I wish… then I would have defeated it at least for once,” were the words that came out of Adrian’s mouth with such a despairing and broken tone…….. “, then continued, “I actually said to myself, Oh that’s God. God is sending me a sign. It’s a miracle……!” Instead of that elation and  joy taking over me and walking away and praying or something, I found myself moving the mouse to the ‘restart’ icon to get another chance at a connection………….”

Harley now pretty much pissed off at Adrian, “I do not understand your excitement at the beginning. It was like you’ve discovered sliced bread or something! What gives?”

“It’s what comes next Harley, it’s what comes next.” Adrian’s mood just returned to this jubilee infectious delightful mood.

Adrian carried on, “Of course there was this remorse, this shame, this dishonor that I typically feel for days; literally for days. But in the morning, as I am driving to work, I saw this cloud that looked like a smile, and I thought to myself, who’s smiling at me? I kid you not Harley, my whole being shivered and I know that I know that it was the Lord reassuring me that I am still held in the palms of the Creator’s hands!”

“I pulled over to the shoulder, instead of feeling guilty and crying or something, I found myself step out of my car and in sheer delight and glee jump up and down and say out loud ‘It was You indeed yesterday, it was You……!’ I was beside myself my dear Harley, beside myself.”

Harley utterly confused and with a tilted head said, “So never again for the porn sites??”

“You are missing the point Harley! Of course I will try my damnedest not to visit them sites, but do you realize what the Lord has just demonstrated to me?”

Harley not too sympathetic said, “Grace?”

Adrian still fired up continued, “In my complete and utmost arrogance when I pretty much ignored the presence of the Lord, instead of leaving me stew in my self-pity, the Master and Creator offers me an olive branch. Not me groveling, and begging. Not me pleading and supplicating. No. The Lord kisses me on my forehead and whispers, ‘I got you.’ That’s what my Lord and my God, my Creator and Maker demonstrated to me. Whether people call it Forgiveness, Grace, White Page, Mercy, Compassion, Clemency, Kindness, Leniency, etc. I feel that without describing this whole episode, single words just don’t cut it for me, if you know what I mean, they don’t convey and express the experience of this, whatever it is you want to call it. That’s not to say I will intentionally misbehave to experience the Lord, rather I hope to capitalize on this experience and harness it. Not that I do not forget it, rather so that I can relive it and relive it and relive it.”

My Lord, my God, and my Creator; You know me better than I know myself. I know I will err if not in one direction then in the other, yet You are always You and You are always there catching me as I fall. May I experience You more and more, so that i am less and less and therefore i dwell with You more and more. i love you 🙂